loneliness.

It is said that when you'll have a lot of free time in the Peace Corps. Time to yourself, time to do nothing, time to think, time to read, time to create and carry out projects. Some of the time will be well spent, and some will be wasted, and some will just be loneliness.

A lot of people struggle with loneliness, which would lead to homesickness, and for some would ultimately be the reason to drop out of PC and return home. Previous and current volunteers warn us about it everywhere, in their blogs, in brochures, at panel meetings.

Upside? I feel lonely all the time, so this experience, when happens to me, won't be any different than how I am currently feeling right now.

Downside? I'm not afraid of loneliness. I'm afraid of having to admit that I feel lonely. For me, admitting to any feelings I have is such a great task, that talking about how great/difficult it is would/could actually make me look like a weak ass bitch. I guess in writing about this, I'm one step closer to 'healing'.

Even thought I have great friends and plenty are there for me, and I am in fact, not alone. I can't seem to pull myself out of this little shit hole of emotions that I've been in for pretty much this entire year. The Peace Corps loneliness doesn't scare me because being where I am right now is already so painful, anymore pain in the future doesn't faze me. I'm looking forward to Peace Corps because when I'm on the go, my mind is the most healthy, and I really want to get myself back to the stable mental state I had a few years ago.

I'm sick of feeling down so down on myself, I need to get the fuck out of here.

talk is cheap. 2 months to go.

My uterus is having a rave inside me, and I'm not invited. All I get is the messy after math. 

Sorry for the absence since the last angry post about small penis trucks. Nothing much went on ever since. I got my yellow fever shot in last month, not only it was 175 bucks (but PC reimbursed me so yay), it also hurt like a bitch. I thought the chicken pot booster sucked but this stuff burned like hot liquid fire.

Exactly two months from today, I will be on a plane leaving. First for Philadelphia, and then Ghana. Despite my initial excitement of preparing for the trip, I've really slowed down and haven't done much as of late. It's like running a marathon, and I spent all my energy way too early in the race so now I'm worn out and just slow grazing as oppose to my other PC mates who are now just starting to get excited about preparing. Right now, I just want to hurry up and quit my job and have one last hurrah with my friends before having to think about the all the heavy burdens of life in the third world.

I've been getting emails from the the PC Ghana Google group  these past couple days of people talking/sharing about their past experiences and their excitement for the next 2 years, and for some reason, I don't even want to be a part of it at all. I think that it's because I've been preparing for this for so long, that talking anymore about it would make it a broken record.

I don't want to talk. I just want to do. I just want to buy my shits, pack them, and then go. I don't want to spend so much time talking about how I hope to change the world and what I have to offer because the one thing I have learned about international volunteering is that volunteers are only as helpful/useful as the locals need them to be, and any one coming in with a savior complex are just setting themselves up for disappointment.

small-dick-complex, a real traffic problem.

Whoever invented the ugly-ass small dick car seriously should slap himself.


It's one thing to have terrible self image problem and taking it out on the streets, but it's another thing when said image problem gets in the way of traffic and disturbs innocent people. I don't know what purpose those giant wheels fulfill, but they don't seem to get you fools away from me any faster. In fact, I feel like every time I see you, you are either right behind me or right behind some other poor car, flashing your ridiculous head lights and pissing off the drivers. Rude ass bitch.


First of all, why the fuck are you tailing me when there are no cars on either side of us for a good few miles? If you want to move faster, go the fuck around. Just because you have wheels made for semis doesn't mean you are a semi, so don't think my ass is scared of you, you giant firefly on wheels. Real truck don't need to harass people with their lights to make way because their presences alone demand respect. Your presence alone is a joke. Get away from me.

And seriously, why the fuck would anyone need head lights that bright? Isn't that what high beam lights are for? And it's not like they are having trouble seeing when sitting up so high over looking all the other cars anyway. Turn those fucking lights down, you mother fucker. Your ass is not blind. You don't need that much light to see the streets. And if you are blind, then your ass has no business driving in the first place. Get off the streets, asshole.

People with regular sized cars rarely have their penis size questioned, and people with small/compact sized cars never pissed off other drivers and even gets respect sometime. Maybe they're onto something here, that bigger car does not equal bigger dick, having a car that ugly is just rude and it applies to everyone who owns one. You are not the exception. You and your small dick is not special. Cut that shit out. Go green, get a hybrid and for fuck's sake, save the planet, damn it.


I'm using the term 'he' and 'his' when talking about this because let's face it, it's not sexism when one gender does in fact worry about the size of their genital more than the other and some of them are always trying to prove their worth through obnoxious compensation measurements. No woman with half a common sense would ever want to be seen stepping out of the driver side of these cars. Any man with an half inch dick would probably own one though.

Calling these drivers neanderthals would probably be insulting to the neanderthals since they didn't invent the wheels and therefore are not indirectly contributing to the green house effect while the shit emitting from these cars probably are contributing to the glaciers melting.

Sometime I wonder, do these people know the reputation that comes with owning and operating these dreadful hybrid of a car or are they all delusional and think that the rule doesn't apply to them?

Octobers are always bad.

Remember when I said that this October has been relatively handle-able and expected a quiet end to October?

Yeah well, I guess I spoke too soon. Since this weekend I managed to lost my phone and locked myself out of the laundry room without a key to get in while my clothes were still in the dryer. I thought the big bang of bad luck this year would be the food poisoning thing but it turned out to be this. Oh well, I wasn't too crazy about that phone anyway. Let's just hope that the naked pictures I took of myself aren't gonna come back later to haunt me when I'm important/rich and famous later.

Just kidding, I don't have naked pictures. Just in case someone took me seriously, it's so hard doing sarcasm through text.

So beside the disability of not knowing what time it is, I am glad to report that life isn't falling apart because I am without a cell phone. How transcendentalism is that? It's as if I'm totally living Walden. (Again, sarcasm)

Moving on... the last three months of the year, for me, is always the longest with the most annoying holidays, Thanksgiving, XMas, happiness and commercialized life style overload, ugh, whatever.  The downside is, this year seems like it's going to be extra hard to endure because I am so much closer in proximity to my family than ever and all I want is for January to come so I can quit my job and pack my bags. Looking forward to something sucks. The upside? I hear there are great shopping deals around these time on a certain Friday.

I have spent a quiet amount of time on the interweb researching about what I need to bring for Ghana, and finalized them down to a list, so there is definitely going to some serious spending this next two months. If I'm not already broke enough now, I will for sure be broke then.

Some (very few) of my friends asked me if there were anything I would like for them to buy for me, and under normal circumstances, I would say preach a Destiny's Child song and say, I buy my own shitz!, but the fact is, I could totally use the help and would love to have something to think of them when I'm away, so I crafted a Wish List on Amazon. So if anyone feels generous, you are welcome to check out my list. You can even engrave your names on the stuff so I can be permanently in your debt and never forget it.

100 days to go.

October is ending. I don't want to speak too soon and then get hit by lightning or something, but this year's bad luck streak have been relatively handle-able.

My internet was out for 2 weeks and I almost gotten hit on the freeway twice in the same 2 minutes and lost some important keys after a week of holding on to them securely and some other miscellaneous bad shits that sort just blended all together now in my head, but overall, I am relatively in one piece and life goes on.

Sure, I'm currently the only person in the office who got a case of food poisoning off El Pollo Loco grilled chicken from the communal staff lunch. I finally able to handle a solid meal after 48 hours of stomach-ache so life is looking up. Still, it's kinda sad and discouraging in term of chicken because now I can't think about the food without feeling a little bit pukey and that sucks. I mean, if I can't think about chicken what can I think about???

Life is cruel.

But I'm still alive. So yay. 100 days until departure.

Goodness gracious it's posts like this that makes me realize how lame my life has become. I need some serious drinking and dancing and lovin'

unexciting shoes, a first world problem.

Goodness gracious, all this student loans is cramping my style. If I stay on schedule, I can pay that shit off in 10 years. Yay.

On other news, even if I'm poor, having my own living space again is so worth it. Plenty of sitting around naked time (haha just kidding... maybe) and plenty of room to toss my shit around. Life of solitude is quiet nice. My land lady's poodle is the most and only frequent visitor in my bed room, and even then, my carpet gets more action since the dog likes to rub itself on it. 

Moving on to the good/main stuff. Shoes. Despite only having two feet, any girl would agree that we can never have enough shoes. At least a pair for every occasion and more if we're lucky.

For Peace Corps, shoes are just as important because walking is inevitable and good feet support is a must. Previous and current PC all recommend the newbies to bring at least a pair of Chacos/Teva/Keen for their two years.

Initially, I didn't want to after seeing how expensive and ugly they are, but after some consideration, such as my current flip flops/sandals don't give me that much support or cushion and they are not made for beat up dirt road, I'm giving in and am not shopping for a decent pair. The good thing is, I get about 40-50% off on the account of being a Peace Corps volunteer, the bad thing is, did I mention how unattractive they are?

Under normal circumstances, "shoes shopping" would totally excite me, but looking at these guys, this is soooo not the case. Wah.

Chacos, spells like tacos but chuglier.

1. Chaco: They are supposed to be really good for your feet and all that jazz but on top of them being super expensive ($90 to $100+ a piece) they are also pretty much the least unflattering kind of shoes I have ever seen. Not at much as Uggs though, but still. I'm all about spending good money on good shoes, but they would have at least be good looking too. I spent an hour looking at all the options and the more I look the uglier they got. I was actually having a hard time deciding which one is the uglier one.  I don't understand the differences in style or whatever because they all look alike but in different colors. People's feet look like little piglets hogged tied onto car tires by colorful but ugly ropes.

Might look decent with a skirt, no?

This design reminds me of Jason's mask in Texas Chainsaw

2. Teva: These are slightly easier in the eyes, they don't remind me of car tires, and I can actually tell the difference between each style. They are about $5-$10 cheaper than Chacos and I actually don't mind wearing them. WATSAN (Water/Health Sanitation) volunteers, i.e: me, are recommended to have some light weight hiking shoes so I am having a hard time deciding between the open toes and the closed toes shoes. I don't want any closed toes knowing how hot it's going to be, but the open toes might be dangerous for my toes in the event that I have to step into some muck/rock/swamp/whoknowswhat. Plus, the closed toes shoes seems like they would ask for socks, and for the time being, I'm really trying to avoid the socks and sandal look despite it being all the rage among tourists and travelers these days.

3. Keen: Keen is sort of like Teva, so now that makes me wonder of whether Chaco is just the ugly odd one out or is there something between Keen and Teva that I don't know about. Its price is in just about the same with the other two brands. I neither like or hate the shoes (as oppose to really dislike the looks of Chaco). This pair is being considered, it's a whopping $90. It actually looks a bit better than the Teva closed toes Jason Texas Chainsaw one in term of design. If I finally decide a closed toes pair, I might go with this.

Which would you pick?

Four months vs. forty hours.

I have about four months or so to get my shit together for departure, and working forty hours a week doesn't leave me much time to do anything else (or actually give me anymore money, ironically). The good news it that it only takes me under 30 mins to get home from work now so more shopping and planning time. The slight-downside-but-I-already-saw-this-coming is that I don't have that much money to spare in term of buying and spending because now I'm paying for rent. But I don't hate it, and I'm complaining because it's my blog, and I can do whatever I want. Wah.

In term of paper works wise, so far, I have turned in my aspiration statement and update resume. Other pending things to do are:

- Yellow fever shot -- To fight off the disease, not the (Asian/yellow) people

Yes, another vaccine shot. Just when I thought I had gotten them all, there is still one more. This shot costs somewhere between $112-$120, but Peace Corps will reimburse me up to $150 so it's not a problem. And I can get it at Vons. Cool, right? Who would have thought, stop by the store for some bread, and leave with more than just ingredients for a sandwich.

- Ghana Visa, Peace Corps Passport, Passport Pictures -- What? You mean, my American Passport alone isn't enough? What is a Peace Corps Passport? And I have to take an extra 10 passport pictures?

I don't know about anyone else, but having your passport pictures (or driver license picture) taken is never a fun experience. You don't get to smile/show your teeth, you don't get to wear hat/scarf/sunglasses or maybe even earrings, and if you have bangs, sometime it gets pinned on the side and not always in a cute fashion. It's just a full frontal face snap, plain and dull. The only different between this and a mug shot is that you pay somewhere between $5-$15 bucks for your 4 pictures while a mug shot almost always include some overnight time in jail. I don't know who got the better deal here.

- Deferring my loans -- Pretty much the numero uno important thing in my book. Get those pesky debts taken care of. Ugh, the things we have to deal with for higher education.

- Packing or form a concrete packing list -- Don't even let me get start on that shit.

who gives a shit

"Not everyone can be a doctor," this was said to my mother by someone whose own daughter is a doctor as they discuss (and probably compare) their children. And this person thought she has the upper hand because her own child is now a successful doctor while I am still a post graduate who's about to enter a semi-nomadic lifestyle of being a Peace Corps volunteer. She even told my mom, "I wouldn't let her go to Africa if she was my kid." And she probably thought that she would appear sympathy trying to 'comfort' my mother in light of me leaving for a poor 3rd world country.

And for that, I feel bad for my mother having to listen to this person gloats, but that's the only thing I feel bad about. To the rest, I say, who gives a shit.

So what if I'm not a doctor. I have plenty of friends who are studying to be doctors, and that's cool because that's what they want to do. Not me. Chemistry excites me as much okra, and okra is gross. I don't want to be a doctor, and I'm okay with it. I don't want to touch, cut, feel, heal people. But I still want to help them... in some other ways. My mother is still getting used to it, and she'll come around, so really, who cares about what you think, dear person who probably don't even know what the box is to even phantom the idea of thinking outside it.

But then of course, this is a norm in the Vietnamese/Asian culture. People living against a master standard and if something/someone doesn't measure up to it, it's considered worthless. Again, if you ask me, I say, fuck that shit.

I don't need to be conventional or follow any traditions against my will. I will do whatever I please, and I will make it. I won't be a doctor but I will do other things, and hopefully in the process, make my mom (and dad, and grandpa and grandma and other people who care) proud. Just you wait inside your box and see, if you can even see that far outside the lines.

gonna disappoint you for a few more years

WARNING: This post is kind of a downer. And contains lots of feelings (mine) so if you don't care for some sappy shit, don't read it. You have been warned.

hump day, but not the fun kind

It's 9:15pm and I probably will have to go to sleep in an hour. I just got home from work 1.5 hrs ago. I hate this. I hate having so little time to take care of things, to relax, to watch some shows, to do some paper works because I spent the of my free time in traffic. Every. Fucking. Day.

How do people do it? Same thing, same drive everyday. It's been only about 3 going to 4 months for me and I seriously am going nuts. A couple more days and I will have a different route and hopefully it will be less shitty than this one.

I really don't see myself doing this 9-5 (or 6) routine again anytime soon in the future. 4 more months. Ohmygod it's four more months? Again, how do people do this for years? Decades? Their entire lives? If this is what the real world is, it sucks. If this is 'living' I'd rather be in a coma. Why not? I already feel like a zombie from this mind numbing routines that people seem to be so comfortable with. If this is 'growing up', how do I stop?

I don't remember what fun feels like.

you don't have to read this if you're a boy/man

I took a break from all the paper work and started my packing list. So many things to buy/prepare for. In a way, this trip is different than a traveling trip because I will be settling down somewhere for 2 years, so beside just packing travel size bottle of shampoo and conditioners, I need to have a list of other survival tools.

Long story short, I ended up researching about menstrual cups.

a. The internet really messes up my attention span.
b. Hate it or love it, bleeding out from your vagina every three weeks is a normal thing for a woman. Actually, no one wants it. When we have it, we don't want it. When we don't have it, we worry. It is as normal for us as men with their morning woods. If it happens take care of it. End of story.

So naturally, in planning for PC, I also have to plan for my period in PC. I have read that the Peace Corps does provide some amount of pads/tampons for volunteers, and depend on the country, you can buy them locally. When I was in Vietnam, it was not at all a big deal to find pads. Just hit up a store and you're offered all kind of options and choices. However, the same thing might not be available in Ghana. Especially if I am going to be living in a remote village. I doubt there is going to be a supermarket with options and variety.

So yeah, menstrual cup. Reusable and less carbon footprint. Who knew there are so many variety???? I have only heard of DivaCup, but after browsing around, there are apparently a lot. It's like discovering a new underground genre of something. I was blown away. There is even a website with someone rating each individually and making comparison between them. Pads seems so neanderthal now... and harmful to the environment with all that trash at the end of the day. Sorry mother earth, I'll try to bleed better from now on.

so. much. paper. works.

Congratulation and welcome to the Peace Corps. Here are 938479202932 more papers works for you to fill out, sign, get certify, mail in. Please take your time to complete them all, but make sure to do that in 10 days or less.

The meaningful like lesson here, kids, is that you have work hard to get where you are, but once you are there, you have to work hard to stay there. Otherwise you'll be kicked back to where you came from and second chances are rare.

Okay, I'm exasperating a bit here. After the initial "I got into the Peace Corps and going to Ghana" high, I'm facing an other mount of paper work. One more vaccination shot, one more passport application, one more essay to write, one more resume to edit, one (or a ton) more forms to sign, one more page to make copy to keep. And by one, I mean a lot. I have a headache, can ya blame me?

On the bright side. One more week until a real bed.

It's here!

The Peace Corps Invitation Kit is here! (through UPS Ground btw)

After much further delay after work, and then running around doing errands, I finally get a moment with the package now, ready to open it. I kinda of nervous, so instead, I'm blogging...

... and as I predicted. It's GHANA!

Okay so I am not jumping for joy excited because I sort of predicted it, but YAY! I have been waiting for this day for almost a year now. It's finally here. I am high on life right now.

Ahh I lied. I am so freaking excited. The next four months are going to be ridiculous. My brain is having a party with all the serotonin and dopamine from all this happiness. This is what people must feel like on Christmas morning.

FEBRUARY 6th. I feel like I'm dreaming.

the internet is down and im typing on the kindle

because thats how addicted to the internet i am. and how much i want to vent. the bright side is, i prob will get to sleep early tonight.

plese pardon the terrible language format/spelling errors.

i dont remember the last time i was this anxious about something, not even when i applied for college. i know that UPS is delivering the package, and it usually takes about 5-7 days but they are often so prompt about it. and maybe PC is more legit and uses UPS Expres instad, and that should even be quicker... but either way it was a toal let down coming home today and not seeing that package waiting for me. man,i even skipped going to the Y to be home earlier (though i am not really sad about that.)

this is torture.

a friend of mine who spent the entire month of august fasting for Ramadan said that the last week/day was the hardest because you are so cloe to the finish you lose your patience. sure i didnt starve myself when the sun is out ever since november but by calculation i should have the envelope in my hands right now,and i am sad that it isnt. i.want. to. know.

tomorro or whenever i finally get  the package i will probably read this post and laugh at how silly i sound right now, but untl then, this is so lameeeeeeee

i am so uncool.

It's MONDAY, and my invitation package isn't here yet. How disappointing. I was certainly sure that I would be here waiting for me the second I got back from SD, but it's not. PC should have provided me with a tracking number because this whole waiting and anticipating thing is not the business. And the user account is so useless. Just tell me where I am going! I need to know! Blue package, come to me!

Onto better news, I might have found a place to live! Closer to work and willing to accept me for four months and fully furnished with a bed, desk and TV and a single room almost as big as the room I had during my third year. I am just excited at the thought of a real bed. I hope they call me so I can move in and spend all my weekend sleeping on said bed.

February. Please come soon.

single female needs place to live

Holy shit, it's raining in the valley. In the middle of September, with thunder and everything. Another pleasant surprise. This week is getting out of control.

Of course compare to places like Seattle or Boston, this means less than nothing since sunshine is a rare concept there, but in this god forsaken 112 degree at 4 in the afternoon and sunshine all the fucking time valley, it's a pretty fucking chill thing for it to rain. Pun entirely intended.

Of course it only lasted for a good hour and now the sun is out again and the neighbor kids are all out and about and screaming their heads off. Fucking children. Shouldn't they be inside learning math or something? School started last week. Don't they have homework? Fucking kids. Go read a book, damn.

Thus is why I am seeking for a new place to live. Until I leave for PC that is. It's not that hard to leave my current place (my parent's couch) to find something that suits me better (a bed). After Vietnam, I only intended to stay at my parents for about 3 weeks. It's been more than 3 months now. It's definitely time. Especially since now I have an idea of when I will get out of here.

For various reasons, finding a roommate in college was so easy, and I always end up with amazing roommate (which the few exceptions of course). Which makes this entire process of combing craigslist for normal/sane/non-creepy people the more shitty. I just need a place to live. A room with four wall would be nice. A place to park my car, to put my plastic container of clothes and sleep at night. That's it. And maybe a fridge because I like cold water, then that's it. I have spent years sleeping on couches and cots, I am not picky. But noo, it's not that easy.

I hate LA. Everything is so fucking expensive, and so is the living. Furnished? Okay. Utilities included? Yes please. Almost 500 bucks to share a studio with you and your dog/cat/both? Hmm... You are a 45 years old male who prefers that I work in the modeling industry? What. the. fuck? Male seeking female roommate only to share a bed and save money? Are you fucking serious?

Where can normal people go to look for a place to live around here? The internet is such a scary place. What did people use to do before this?

I can't wait to start packing. (Seriously, I love packing)

This news almost made up for the fact that this week was the worse traffic week ever. It took me an hour and a half to commute everyday this week, even on Friday, which usually would only takes about 30-45 mins. Then there is that black out in San Diego that might cancel my plans. Still such a great pleasant surprise though.

what a pleasant surprise!

Yesterday, one of my former student whom I used to tutor math emailed me out of the blue. I hadn't spoke to him since March when I left for Vietnam. I just thought he had lost my email or didn't care to stay in touch, which is kind of a bummer because I really liked the kid. He was pretty mature for his age. Despite being a poster child for punk/rock emo kids who wear trench coats in the summer and can pull off the dark eyeliner look better than I could, he was sweet and funny, and we have spent quite some of his 'studying' time discussing Dragon Balls. (I might have started that conversation.)

When I first started working with him, he had an F in the class, like a 20 something percent, and after one semester with me, he went up 40 percents and ended with a D+. So he didn't pass the class, and I was pretty disappointed, but he motivated by saying that he didn't even think it was possible to get up there, so I shouldn't let it get to me. (Wasn't I suppose to do the motivating?)

Anywho, he emailed to tell me that thanks to my help, he got an A on the second semester and retook the first semester and ended with a B+, and that he missed our tutoring session because it was "fun and educational."

Well shit, that just made my day.

Occasionally I wonder what goods came out of my 6 months stint in San Diego except for the rock bottom feeling and endless Vietnamese sandwiches, and that short email was a nice reminder.

A pleasant surprise indeed. But that's not all!

misery with no company

A lady at work was telling me that when her 26 years old daughter had to move back home from New York, the girl was so miserable that she and her husband literally offered to pay for her apartment so that she could live somewhere else and be less miserable.

I only wish that my family understand how miserable I am. I don't need their money. Just their understanding.

Well, next up is a very Peace Corps applicant thing to do, but I'm just going to do it anyway because I have spend so much time to work for these little check marks that I deserve to brag about them. Now all I need is an invitation (which apparently is a giant blue envelope with tons of papers). I can't wait.

it means I'm good to go, bitches.

I have been reading blogs about the previously mentioned country, and Madagascar looks amazing.

where in the world

I didn't go to work today. My boss is out and nothing much is going on in the office, and I haven't been feeling well so I called in sick. My legs feel funny and restless.

Anyway, after the conversation with the placement officer, and even thought I learned nothing, I still couldn't help but feeling so excited. So I did some investigation (i.e: looking around Peace Corps Wiki) and found out a few things.

a. If I am fortunate enough to leave in January, and to Africa, I will have the Gambia, South Africa or Zambia as my options.

b. If not January, Madagascar, Malawi, Senegal, and Morrocco are also viable Africa options

c. If it's French specific, then it will be between Madagascar, Senegal and Morrocco, and they all have late Feb or early March departure dates. Shit, I don't want to wait that long.

d. Jamaica is also an option, but it's not Africa or French speaking, and it's a March date.

e. I could leave as early as Jan 4th or as late as March 19th

It's a 50 percent chance that I will be in Africa with my program and 1 percent chance of Asia. lol. I guess Asians people don't like talking about AIDS (it's true, they don't). Seven possible options. Though I would love to use my 7 years knowledge of French, shit, I will take any place, and even bring my own mosquito net.

qualified

My phone call with the placement officer just ended. Long story short, I am qualified to served, but that is all she could tell me. I will have to wait 2-3 more weeks for someone else to call and tell me when and where I could go. I'm looking at sometime between Jan-March 2012. By then, it would be more than a year since I applied for the Peace Corps, but who's counting..

I was looking forward to know about a location from today's conversation but it didn't happen. I am a little bit disappointed. A whole one hour of conversation and I didn't learn anything much, but it's alright, I guess. A few more weeks. Is this what it feels like to be string along by hope?

Anyway, it's still good news though, it means that I AM going to the Peace Corps, and that I will soon enough get the heck out of here to sleep on a cot somewhere else.

Too bad I have to deal with another holiday season before I leave.

rant #15

Do people become less open minded, or just less open as they get older? When and how does one's life lose its elasticity and become rigid and set?

I don't know how to put it, but being one of the youngest/ and single person at my work place, sometime I find myself so out of place. People who are just a few years older than me are ready to settle down, or those who are settled down are content and even those who aren't content or settled down show acceptance of their current set up.

I don't get it.

And domestication. What's that all about? 

My family is not the source of my happiness. Maybe I am just too two dimensional and unable to detect the underlying bliss that I'm supposed to feel at the end of the day that would make me want to have my own someday.

I feel out of place because when I speak of bigger things, they aren't always shared. Does happiness have to end with a family, a house with white picket fence and 2.5 kids?

Today was aiight.

First drop I couldn't believe in my eyes. Second drop I was surprised. Third drop I held my breath. One drop, two drops, and more drops, I lost count and was getting my hope up. That's it, keep going, excitement rushed over me, don't rush, take your time. Let's make this last, I negotiated, to whom I wasn't sure, but I did anyway. Countless drops started to come down, hitting against my windshield. Little beads of water spread all over the glass. No wipers, not yet, let's savor this moment, I thought. But then that was it, I looked up. No sign of continuation.Gone as quickly as it came and equally unpredictable. My hope evaporated. It was still going to be another sunny day. Yet for a minute there, I was happy, when the sky sneezed and revived my hope for rain.

Dear higher power being, who/where-ever you are.

Please. please. please let this work out for me. I know you and I don't often see eye to eye on everything/anything. Sometime you just let it happen that things happen to me, and other times, I let things happen and blame you. But this time, please let's set aside our differences and ignore Murphy's law and have this Peace Corps work out for me. The health placement officer contacted me today,  so please let our conversation next week go quickly, and I know my assignment and get my ass up and out of here.

We both know that I am not meant to be here, nor do I want to be here. That is might just another test of life, or a lesson that you are trying to get me to learn (whatever that is). Either way, I'm dealing with it and coping to my best ability. Still, it would be awesome if I could find out where I will be for 27 months. Soon.

Can't wait for next week. Yeahhhh Peace Corps Health Placement call.

life goal

Ho Chi Minh Gets with the Program - Bostonia Summer 2011

The article was almost too good, until I saw that she went to the Peace Corps, then it became really good.

Ultimately, this is where I want to end up. When I read articles like this, I get these ridiculous motivated feelings. I am so far away where I want to be right now. When will it happen?

Fashion and unemployment. Something never changed.

An American girl in Italy.

a. This woman was my age.

b. Everything she wore is/could be in fashion right now. Down to her shoes. Even if this was 60 years ago.

c. Don't you wish men would dress like this still?

d. Didn't these men have JOBS?!?!? Was this during the Great Depression and everyone was just chilling out being unemployed or something? Probably. I guess that makes two things about this pictures that is similar to present time.

you've really screwed me now, USPS

Another Peace Corps news:

The documents I mailed out about a month ago never reached PC headquarter. I found that out this week... by accident.

gg. 

 

Edit: 

Good thing I made copies of my documents before I sent them out, so I had those to send to my Peace Corps nurse, only to find out this morning that my scans/copies were missing a page. The most crucial page on top of that. So now the original is lost in the black hole of the postal universe. I have no other copies. The only other option is to call the clinic and ask them to fax one over, which I did... but I got their voice mail instead, so waiting is pretty much all I could do. 

But here is the turn around! The nurse at the Peace Corps head quarter is nice enough (or probably felt sorry for my pathetic self enough. This seems to be the theme of my life as of late) to clear me for take off anyway, under the condition that I have to submit that paper in later when I get a hold of it.  

SOO... I don't want to get too ahead of myself, but looks like I am medically cleared y'all. 

I'm not really working

I'll have a new boss next week, so all this slacking off may never happen again. In the mean time, this made me laugh out loud.

yuck Monday

The homeless man whom I usually give money to hadn't been at his spot for a few weeks now. I was starting to get worried but then I saw him today looking like he had gotten a shower, a new hair cut and maybe even shaved. I wonder what went on in his life?

Or maybe it wasn't even him at all that I saw this morning but someone else completely different and I totally just assumed that all homeless people look alike.

I had a great time in SD this past weekend completely sober, even thought everyone thought I was drunk the entire time anyway. I'm sure there are some people out there who think I'm always drunk. Being on INH really has its perk. I don't spend so much money on gin and tonics, or on the Mexican hookers food afterward, or the hangover cure the next morning, and that is especially helpful in term of being a broke ass fool.

Still, I do occasionally wish that I could enjoy happy hours now and then instead of relying on just passion fruits lemonade iced tea.

Hmm. Peace Corps news. I got my (hopefully) last vaccine shots today. I swear, that's exactly what I said the last time when I took the varicella shot. Hopefully my shit get cleared so I can put some kind of date on the calendar. Work has been fun and all, but I am definitely not cut out for this 9-6 stuff, maybe not now anyway.

Food news. I am hungry.

People news. One of my very good friend departed for her year of teaching English to Taiwan over the weekend. I am beyond excited for her, one of the reason being that I know she will post a lot of food pictures on her blog for me to drool over. It seems as if it was just yesterday she and I were roommates living the undergrad good life spending our hard earn financial aids money on frivolous things like Mexico/Catalina cruise and cute cotton panties from AE.

Here is my official shout out to CAROL. Can't wait to see your pictures of Taiwan!

double cone

Just finished consumed what could be the most amazing triple scoops ice cream cone of 2011. Best $1.50 ever spent. I have been thinking about Rite Aide Thrifty Ice Cream all day and the only thing that keeps me from leaving work to get it is that I have to drive and I just didn't feel like it. Then I heard the ice cream truck from down the block. By that point, it was just meant to be.

Of course I could never forget the amazing gelato scoops in Rome or the pistachio cones from Oxford, but man,  whatever generic brand that they gave me today was simply thebombdotcom.

Longest work day ever.

my little spare time

It's time to be grateful.

If I were to be paying rent instead of living at home, I wouldn't be able to spend that money on loans repayment, or gas, or miscellaneous pleasuries like my Kindle or that cute pair of sunglasses or the trip to Disney Land with my friends or the massive sushi meals with my other friends. So yes, I'm starting to feel grateful for this couch and the free food.

I have been wondering/expecting to be enlighten or at least, let in the known, of the reason for my staying here. The reason in which I am stuck in LA rather than flying out to Africa somewhere, and I guess I have found it.

In embracing the "everything happens for a reason attitude and life style" I have learned how to deal and even accept my current situation. I also could understand how people would turn to religion during hard time and somehow ease through through the most difficult part of life. In telling myself that everything will makes sense, eventually, I am forced... no, motivated to keep on going (or swimming, if you're Dory) until I see/stumble upon the answer.

As must as I struggle against it, my living in LA keeps me close to my family, reminding me that I am not just living for myself, I have my family to live for as well. And as much as I try to avoid and forget that responsibility, it's there, and so instead of fighting it, I might as well just accept it and compromise.

And it actually isn't that bad to give in a little sometime.

That or the Stockholm Syndrome is kicking in.

Anyhow, I have got news!

Peace Corps contacted me some weeks ago asking if I still wanted to be a part of the program as they haven't heard from me in a while (because I've been waiting to get my medical files cleared). If I still want to go, it's likely that I won't leave until January 2012.

Well, at this point, that sounds pretty good for me. BAI (my job) is liking me a lot, and I probably will have a position there with them until I don't want to anymore, (unless they're lying to me and kicking my ass out at the end of the summer, but I guess I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.) The empty void is slowly being filled with work's daily routines and laughters.

I'm not too crazy about the working world. I barely have time to do anything else, like studying for GRE, or day dreaming, or sleeping in. Though I have vowed to no miss the 9 months that I did nothing but gloomed around all day, I do have moments in which I wish I could just sit and ponder all day. Still, I'd rather be this busy than being back where I was then. Pay day is this week!

In fact, I have been so busy, I have no time to blog. So many pictures and stories are waiting in the back of my head ready to be told but no times to put them down in text form. Coming soon!

Vietnam Recapping: Phu Quoc Island Part 1 (Super long post, you have been warned)

It is the Fourth of July, and this time last year, I was on my way back from Brazil. Today, I am staying inside trying to avoid the heat, sunshine and people. This weekend in the valley saw the temperature up to about 100+, this used to be a normal deal for me before college, but SD has spoiled me, and now, I do not go outside unless I absolutely have to or only when after the sun is down.

The three days weekend has been well spent so far, I think. I caught up on my sleep and all my shows. I got my first pay check from the job and spent it all on the same day on loan repayments and a new pair of glasses. Can't wait for two more weeks to get pay again.

Moving on, on to the recap.

April 18th-19th: Phu Quoc Island and Mekong Delta

A is where I was, and B is where the island is. Obviously... right?

The largest island in Vietnam locateing in the Gulf of Siam bordering Cambodia, Phu Quoc Island is only 50 minutes away by plane from HCM. It's famous for producing fish sauce, and stable in Vietnamese cuisine and pearls, a stable in rich house wives' wardrobes. 

As of now, Phu Quoc is still very much in the midst of development, it is not yet and hot spot for tourists and vacationers. There are only two ways of getting to Phu Quoc from the mainland, plane and boat. By boat, it takes about 2 hours on a "super speed" ferry. The price is 225,00 VND or approximately $11/$12. My 50 minutes flights was about 500,00 VND which is about $25. Anyone who wants to get into Phu Quoc has to go through Vietnam mainland first, though not for long, as an international airport is currently being build in Phu Quoc for easier access in the future. Once it's completed, travelers will no longer have to go through mainland VN to get through Phu Quoc, thus decreases the hassle of traveling by half while tourism revenue increases.

international airport in progress

Most of the island is still in its natural habitat, lots empty land and wild plants, but as my xe om (honda tax) driver/guide for the day told me, all these lands have been bought by big foreign investors companies to build golf courses and casino and resorts here. Soon enough, this place will be another Phuket or Singapore swamped with tourists looking for cheap get aways.

By this time of the trip, I have managed (thanks to my relative) to have a trusty honda taxi driver who would take me places when I give him a call. That saves me the trouble of having to bargain and get rip off every time I want to go somewhere. That morning, we left at 7am... I think (getting up early in the morning regardless of which hours all feel the same to me).

I guess he didn't have
anything else better to do

the closest to "forming a line"

airplanes

Only a handful of people, including myself were there waiting for our flights. Some were locals and a sprinkle or two of foreigners. There were three guys who spoke English, they were talking to a gentleman who seem to be a local but I later found out was a Vietnamese-American. I tried to trike up a conversation with those guys later, since after some weeks of just Vietnamese, I didn't want to complete forget all my English (it's possible, okay...), and seeing that they spoke absolutely no Vietnamese what so ever, I wanted to help. However, the guys didn't seem very much interested in talking to me at all, especially after they found out that I wasn't a local and from California. The Vietnamese-American gentleman, however, was very nice. He's  a frequent returnee who has some sort of a English school in the country and trying to teach English to the locals. He even gave me his business card in case I want to teach English in Vietnam and should contact him.

All of this was even before I got on the plane.

Only about 2/3 of the plane was full despite it being a weekend. I sat next to a seemingly proper business man who struck up a conversation with me. Before the plane even took flight, after finding out that I was traveling to Phu Quoc by myself, he suggested that we should trade phone numbers so that when we are in the island and he is done with his business, the two of us could grab some coffee together. Needless to say, that got uncomfortable real quick. I didn't really know how to refuse, so I gave him my number anyway, but ended the conversation at that. Once the seatbelt sign was off, I nonchalantly got up and moved to another empty row of seats and when the flight stopped, waited for him to get off first.

It wasn't anything that he did, but it was something in the way that the conversation went and ended up that I didn't feel comfortable with, and I didn't want to take any chances being so far away from any safety nests. The guy ended up calling me sometime later that day, I didn't pick up because I didn't hear my phone going off, but I listed him under "creepy airplane guy don't pick up" just for future reference.

Once I got off the airplane, I had a giant moment of "now what?". My planning only went as far as getting myself to the island, but I didn't plan anything else in term of hostels or transportation around. The nice Asian American guy was heading to a hotel and offered to get me a ride to the hotel so I can get a room there. Since my original plan for the trip was only to spend a day in the island and head back to the mainland later at night, I didn't want to do that. I wanted to find a ride out of the airport and check out some local sceneries.

A team of honda taxi/tour guides were outside the airport swamped over, and after a few seconds of contemplating, I agreed to a half island tour for about 400 VND, which is about $20. As the guide getting ready to get start, I joked "Please don't kidnap me and sell me to China". They didn't think it was that funny.

"Why are white people at the Harlem Pride!?!?... What are these old white people doing there?!?"

Ever since I finished Misfits last week, I have been feeling empty on the inside. Probably because I have little else to look forward to after the hour drive back from work.

And thank goodness that work is enjoyable, making my one hour drive each way directly toward the sun semi worth it. Sitting in the same corridor with my immediate boss, having to light turned off the entire day because he too, does not enjoy strong lights while listen to him talk out loud to his emails (i.e: today's post's title) and give his computer sass for being non-cooperative has been a blast. There is always something for me to do, I don't have to constantly watch my back for a personal neck-breather, and I can eat at my desk anytime I want (probably not a good idea in the long run). I guess I am blessed to have found this job after almost a year of struggling. And despite Peace Corps being on hold for now, I consider this a part of my Peace Corps training since I'm sure what I see/learn here will be useful in Peace Corps.

Plus, every day, I get to enjoy these wonderful perks such as:

a. Mexican fruits stand from across the street. Can you say fiber?

for only FOUR dollars

b. random non-homeless looking individuals passing out in front of family oriented locations such as this elderly home

some people just like to forget
that Tuesday ever happened

And that's pretty much it.

Every morning, I drive to work dreaming of being somewhere else, especially on days when the sun is so fucking bright at only 8am (which is every-fucking-day). Ihatesummer. I don't particularly miss San Diego, I have had my times there, and it was/is time for me to move on and out, so not being there doesn't make me sad. I am only sad that instead of being in SD or somewhere else, I am in LA.

So many factors play into the reasons of why LA is a terrible city for me. And as this blog is pretty much always on the borderline of personal rants vs. a display of my travel and experience, I'm gonna put one foot over the other line today and complain today, so this is your last chance to stop reading now.

Alright, don't say I didn't warn you.

Getting lost and my first gray hair.

Well hello there,

"I know I've got a power... I can feel it in my balls."

Sorry for the lack of updates, I have been meaning to be prompt with my news, but I stumbled upon a wonderful distraction in the form of this show. Misfits, a British comedy original. As my apparent fondness for the Brits and their humor grows, I have not been able to stop watching this show upon its discover... two nights ago. So instead of spending my little free time I have now sharing my life with the world in the form of this blog, I've just been watching TV. Thank goodness that British television has about half the number of episodes in one series in comparison to American shows, otherwise, I don't see how I could possibly get any work done.

Anyway, the show is a sci-fy, fantasy comedy with the usual brilliant British screen play, and I'm more hooked than a bait worm. Since I have already professed my love for British television, I won't bored everyone with more of this love sick shit. I would just like to recommend the show for anyone who's down for some wicked humor and semi Wolverine style super heroes. Find it on Youtube or watch-series or wait for it to come out weekly on Hulu, you won't regret it. (Unless dark, offensive, politically incorrect humor isn't your thing... then maybe you shouldn't even be reading this blog.)

Now, onto the real reason why you are here.

goddamn it.

Ever want to test your patience? Apply to the Peace Corps. You'll be surprise how thin you can stretch it (your patience) as I am surprise at myself right now for still wanting to continue to pursue this. Should I just fucking give up and submit myself to some other plan and spend the rest of my life wondering what if or should I contie hanging on wondering when is this ever going to happen?

Oh lord Jesus. Time for an escape plan.

Repaying student loans is killing me.

When I was 22...

- My friend threw me a surprise birthday party even when I told her I didn't want one. She got wasted that night out of fear that I would be upset at her. I got wasted that night because everyone gave me booze (and chicken wings) and because it was my birthday.

-Got rear ended at a free way entrance the day after my birthday (not at all related to my birthday drunken-ness). The guy was a mechanic and promised to fix up the scratches on my bumper. I contacted him a 2 months later, his number was disconnected.

-Did a keg stand for the first time in celebration of my college's annual spring concert (otherwise informally known as the day when the nerdiest kid in your class is found passing out drunk on the side walk). The keg stand threw me into a blackout but I managed to talk myself out of detox (I knew the security guard).

- Danced to "Like A Virgin" on top of a piano and later on top a guy in front of a room full of people. And all my much less drunk friends. Thought I was the shit.

- Had the worst hair cut of my life. Took nearly a year to recover/fix it.

- Got really into online Scrabbles. My roommates and I would each be on our respective computers and played against each other, occasionally shouted out "YOU FUCKING BITCH!" from the other room/across the condo. I had no control over this obsession.

I was there

- Took lots of naps in my car during my last quarter in college (school was ridic). Once I pulled over on the side of a freeway during traffic hour, a high way patrol woke me up 20 minutes later. I later found out that it was because the area was shady and I could have been robbed.

- Quited one job on Monday and was let go from another one the Tuesday after.

- Spent 3 weeks in Brazil with 9 other girls. The most estrogen-filled experience I have ever/will ever put myself through. Also the most boobs I have ever been around all at once time. We partied and drank everyday during the last week. Slept on through an entire 6 hours bus ride because we were out all night until 7am so we could make the bus station at 8am.

said mural painting

- Got into two car accidents a week apart from each other. Neither was my fault. It was the Curse of October.

- Went into a post-grad slum and at one point, I would only go outside for food. Drinking became less fun then.

- Started working as a tutor and actually liked it.

- Worked at a Vietnamese sandwich shop and hated it.

more juice, please

- Quited my job at the sandwich shop and went to Vietnam for a month and a half. Spent most of my time there melting and being eaten alive by mosquitoes, but got to drink sugar cane juice everyday. It was so worth it.

motherland

my sandals

- I spent my 23rd birthday in Vietnam.

"I was 22 or 23 when I made a decision not to be actively Hamlet-like and miserable in my daily life, and the decision helped a lot. Living vitally is not easier than living morbidly — it’s just better." — Stephen Colbert  

Looking back, my year as a 22 year old wasn't that bad. Sure, economically I made pretty much no money and couldn't really claim success for anything, but I did have an eventful year. That should counts for something, right? Who knows, maybe in 10 years or so, I would wish that I was 22 again and get to have so much free time and so little things to do again.

For now, I guess I'll try to do what Stephen here said and snap the shit out of it and get the hell out of Sad Ville. After all, 23 is one of the cooler number, I should try and enjoy this age before I'm 26. I'm just not a fan of 6s.

another week is here, and Great Britain.

I got offered a job position at a school, but it doesn't start until this upcoming Fall. Crap. I need something NOW.

Oh, and I didn't end up getting/winning the Kindle on eBay. People got really 'aggressive' later and it was bought for almost 190 bucks. I guess it's a good deal since it comes with the cover, but eh, I didn't think it was worth it.

I have to head down to San Diego again this up coming week to really get the last of my Medical demands together and hopefully send them in. The good thing is at least I am in direct contact with a Medical Nurse and she's (not so promptly) answering all my questions. Every time I hear from her, my hope to leave is revived, and I'm excited about PC again. I am also happy to have any excuse to head for SD. Granted that I was kind of in a sad rut my last few months there, I still like it more than LA. Just being there lifts my mood up.

I'm trying to be as optimistic as I can about this whole situation. I don't really like being at my parents very much. I have tried to avoid this scenario for a really long time, and it really is by a miscalculation that I am here. I will risk sounding dramatic and say I'm hanging on by a thread. It all narrows down to the fact that I'm too liberal and they're not down for it. Surprise? Maybe only with my brother. He likes Texas, I didn't see that coming.

fabulous casting job, everyone

Been spending my time rewatching Coupling the UK version. If Friends is like watermelon, then Coupling is like mochi green tea ice cream for me, slightly foreign but just as refreshing, delicious and always leave me wanting more. Steve Moffat (same writer for the Office) is simply brilliant. I love British comedies for the subtle, slightly dark but always true nature of their humor. This show is seriously slap of the knee laugh out loud oh man it's so true kind of way. It was adapted to a US version but the casting sucked and was canceled only after 4 episodes. I had to see for myself how bad the US version was, and man, it's like UK version is yummy GummyVites and the US version is the shitty chalky hard Flinstone ones that I used to have to endure when I was a kid. It's all the same jokes, and maybe it's the British accents, I don't know, but the UK casts are seriously fan-tabulous. The sad thing is thing is that there are only 4 seasons and British television has shorter episodes than US, so there would be only 6-7 episodes per season. Even though I know it's never going to happen, but somewhere in my heart, I am hoping for a reunion show.

Another down side is that watching the show makes me really miss England.

Also British, I just downloaded and now listening to Adele's albums. Brilliant.

i read book(s)

I stumbled upon this book by accident. And by accident I mean typing in "audio books" in torrentz.com and going through the search results.

I have never really "read" and audio book before, but I wanted to try out my new mp3 player, and wanted to compensate reading for the fact that I bought something while not having a job. And also because I like Tina Fey. If her book is anything like Liz Lemon, I'm down to read/listen to it. It is a bonus that the reader of the book is Tina Fey herself. It's like she's telling you the story!

The beginning was kind of slow, somewhere in the early chapters, I went into REM lying on my couch. For what it's worth, I usually just fall straight asleep when I listen to podcasts of lectures back in my college days so Tina, don't be upset, you weren't boring, it was me, not you.

Unlike Chelsea Handler's A You There Vodka, It's Me Chelsea? Fey's book is more subtle in term of comedic punch line, but just the funniness is still just as powerful. Which make me look like a real idiot, or a weirdo, laughing out loud while standing by myself in front of various public locations, i.e: library, The World's Market, Ross...

Though right now, Fey is working her dream job and enjoying a big fat pay check for that job and the days of post-grad struggle are way behind her and I am none of the above. Her problems, and consequentially, her book's selling points are still so relative. I don't know how she is in real life, but her humbleness in this book really appeals to me. It also helps that Fey might be one of those people who just make you laugh when they spit profanity.

More over, I like that Fey wasn't just talking about how she struggled in the early years and now appreciating her success, but also talk about how tough it is for a woman to be funny and for people to appreciate it (yes, a form of female empowerment, how feminist of me, I know).

Though they pretty much do the same thing, which is cracking jokes and make people laugh, I don't feel like female comedians get the same credits as male comedians. And when they do, it's because they have balls (Chelsea Handler) and their accomplishment would be noticed as something huge... for women (Bridemaids --a comedy for women, written by women). Putting these disclaimers is a form of gender discrimination.
Of course there are things that are made for gender specific, such as pads and tampons for women (because men obviously don't need them) but other than that, everything else should be equal, especially when it comes to being funny. Who cares if a movie, joke or a play was written by a man or a woman, shouldn't people just enjoy it all the same? And if someone is good at something, such as a great yo mama joke, shouldn't it be because that person is hilarious, not because he's a man. Women can talk shit too. We can also be real dirty too.
This issue has bothered me for a while and Fey discussed this in her book, which I really appreciate.

Overall, this is a good/funny read, and listening/reading this book has really gotten my reading mojo going, so I'm trying to bid for a Kindle and start my reading marathon soon. Can't wait!

is it bad to feel that everyone is living more exciting lives than me?

When I was 16, my biggest problem was about love. No matter how well I was doing in school, how great my relationship was with my friends, how little responsibility I had in my hands, my mind was always occupied by thoughts of high school love. Back then, I didn't have to worry about much. School was easy. Life wasn't too hard. I was certain about the future. And I had all the self confident in the world in term of intelligent and capability. So my numero uno concern was about the freedom of having a boyfriend and being in love and all that other teenage hormonal stuff. But then again, didn't we all at 16?
Seven years later and here I am. 23 years old. School wasn't that easy. Life is kinda hard. I don't know my future. And I don't know where all my self confident have gone. I have lots of freedom now, but even more responsibilities. I don't really think about love because my mind is complete occupied with the uncertainty of tomorrow. I semi-plan things to avoid failure, and yet very little works out in the end. Such is now while I am sitting here, unsure of what I will be doing tomorrow, and the next day, and the day after that.
I had thought, no, envisioned about my days of June ever since December when I was told about the program. And thought I had doubts, lying awake at 3 am feeling anxious about the idea of being somewhere in Africa and away from all the simple comforts, I also was excited for the days to come. I keep trying to tell myself that this too shall pass, that before I know it, I will be doing what I want and get out of this eternal slump.
But then I go a read blogs from Peace Corps volunteers and trainess and feel so down all over again. If I don't do it, I'm afraid that I will forget that I want it. But when I do it, I feel sad because I don't know when it will come.
My appointment to discuss my health status (again) at the clinic is Monday.
Listening to One Republic isn't also really helping this mood.

frustration is what it is.

After the last post about my negative feeling about my prospective future with PC. I received a confirmation email staying that I definitely am not making it to the June PC sent off for real.
Sad? Yes.
Disappointed? Yes.
Surprise? Not really. I had a hunch that something wasn't going to work out.
As an attempt to push myself forward and stay optimistic about life and blah blah blah after this news, I tell myself, everything happens for a reason, just be like that little cat in that one little poster and keep hanging on (you know what I'm talking about), and one day I'll understand the reason for all the screwed up shits that happened. Instead of sitting around and mope, I applied for a few jobs went to SD and had some fun distractions, then today, I came back to a letter telling me that my Medical Kit is still incomplete... and more questionnaires about my health are needed to be filled out, like my ability to ride a bike and lifting 50 lbs. I guess it makes sense now why I am not leaving next week.
The frustrating part is that I keep having to go back and forth to the doctors and health places to request additional information for PC, and that they are pretty much just keeping me in the dark with everything they are doing and won't tell me how the process is going until they need something from me, which is usually some more paper works.
The 3 pages of documents they are asking me to fill out are about my physically ability, which my doctor has already stayed that I am healthy and fully vaccinated. Then they want to know more about my TB test by requesting confirmation that my skin test was positive but I do not have TB, which I also already sent to them 2 months ago.
There are nothing new that I need to do, just running around the same paper trail I have been establishing for the past couple of months, (except for a Polio Booster, which I somehow missed out on getting). And now that I have move to LA, going back to the same clinic in SD for more stuff will become annoying.

gloom

My immediate future is looking bleak.

The government as decided to cut some of PC's budget and some programs are no longer available, and for those that are, the completion process might actually take longer than usual.

My instinct is telling me that I might not make it to Africa as soon as I hope... or at all. Reading all the current and pass PC blogs, it seems that I might even have to wait longer for this departure date if that happens.

I'm trying to stay optimistic, but fuck...

It's been almost a year since I've gotten out of college. I'm starting to really feel like a complete failure now at this point. I want to pack my bags and travel again, but I don't think that's will sit well at all with my parents. The pressure of "what are you going to do?" and "what are your plans?" are really pushing down on me. At this point, in their eyes, I'm pretty much good for nothing because I don't have a job and making money. I have been applying at places again after a hiatus, but the same trend is happening. I'm starting to real question my market value. Why am I not selling?

The high of my 1.5 month in Vietnam is wearing off, too soon. I don't want to go back to the sad pathetic self I was before I left, but at this rate, I am afraid I might be. I'm just living one day at a time right now, waiting for today to finish so tomorrow can come and hopefully brings me some good news.

This is definitely not what I expected to see myself five years ago.

frustration.

"Your file is currently under consideration."

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN PEACE CORPS?

Two days after I sent my Dental stuff in, I'm cleared for it, but there was still this little exclamation mark on my medical section on my online profile, which indicates that there is something that needs to be done/missing/ain't right. But as of now, it's cleared, and I get that little sentence above, taken out of context, but not that drastically.

How much longer do I have to wait?

"that's the first movement I've gotten out of that tooth in the past 15 minutes"

I know I have been lagging on updates, and there is still the rest of my Vietnam trip to talk about, but for the time being, here's something pretty current, a Peace Corps update.

While I was in Vietnam, Peace Corps sent a response to me medical package. I'm not sure if I have mentioned it already, but it seem that I needed to take out my wisdom teeth. All four of them.
I don't know if there is anyone out there who enjoys going to the dentist, but I am definitely not one of them. It's nothing personal, but really, who enjoys laying helplessly with their mouth wide open while another person is probing and drilling around inside it. The worse part for me, I think, is that even though I can't see what's going on, I can hear everything, and no matter how much I try to distract myself from the intense drilling sound, my mind always returns to it along with all these crazy images.

And my jaws are always so sore afterward. Who likes that?

But I have to do it, so I scheduled an appointment at an office in the valley at the recommendation of yelp. My appointment was this past Monday. Everyone has been telling me about how surprisingly quick and easy it was going to be, and just stick with soft food and I'll be fine, so I was expecting some 45 minutes max ordeal coming. Well, I went into the room at around 3:30pm and didn't come out until 6:30pm.

It turned out that all of my teeth were difficult, each in their own way. At first the dentist told me that he was gonna try and get the easier one out first, then the hard one last, and I felt pretty optimistic hearing that. But after about 30 minutes of continuous grilling sound and taking another extra shot of Novocaine on top of the 4 I already had, the first tooth didn't feel like it was an easy one. That was the one that was laying sideway and had to be broken in pieces in order to get it out.

why yes, that is an x-ray of my face

After about 45 minutes, I started to hope that he used some kind of reserve psychology and lied to me and that the first teeth was actually the most difficult one. Turned out that my wish came true, after what felt like an eternity, he said he was lying, and that the rest should be easy.

Then he jinxed himself. The second tooth had relatively little problem coming out, but the third one apparently was "so intimately connected" to the tooth next to it, that I think he might have pulled a muscle trying to pry it out of my mouth. The handle of the drill left a bruise on my lip because he had to press on it to get leverage to pull out my tooth.

By the last tooth, the dentist was so beat that he offered to wait another 6 months for it to grow out some more before taking it out, but since I was already numb and bleeding massively, I wanted him to just go for it. Which was pretty much another 45 minutes and another shot of Novocaine. This one was barely leaving the bone, so he had to dig way deeper up and probably cut out a good amount of flesh from my gum.

could as well be pass off as torture devices

Speaking of blood and gore, thought I was completely numb from the eyeballs down, I could pretty much felt all action being done to me, i.e: scalpel cutting/carving out my gum to get to my teeth because none of them actually surfaced, and saw what used to be a white suctioning tube tainted blood red.

My favorite part was seeing one of my tooth taken out with a huge chunk of bloody flesh wrapped around it.

I bet my dentist went straight for the bar after my surgery, and I would have too had I not have four bloody holes in every corner of my mouth.

after all the bloody flesh were cleaned off

I was given anti-biotics to avoid a sinus infection because my upper teeth were so close to my sinuses still. I also got vicodins, which completely knocked me out every time even though I would only take half a tablet at a time. It is now day 4 after the gore-fest, and I have stopped bleeding though there are still swelling and there is a massive sore inside my cheek, probably a side effect from the massive mouth invasion. I didn't swell up like a chipmunk, but I think my lips got really big...ger than they already are. Random? And every time I try to touch my teeth, the swollen flesh inside my mouth would rub against each other in a rubbery gross way.

The bright side is, I sent out all my stuff to PC now, so hopefully I can still make my program next month. I. really. want. to. leave. already.

half full, half empty

Tonight is my last night here in the city. I was really looking forward to being here again for the past 11 years, and as I am preparing to leave it, mixed emotions rise.

Beside volunteering, I wanted to do nothing here except basking in what used to be a part of my childhood. Just 2 months ago, the thought of being here seems preposterous. I dreamed and dreamed of meeting just a few individuals once again, be there friends again, be a local again, but now as I am about to leave, I have to admit, I was only able to do 50 percents of all that, partially because during the decade I was gone, things have changed and I could no longer relive it.

I can't say that I am not disappointed, because I always felt that I missed out on my childhood the moment I moved to the states. Lots of things have happened after had made me grown up too fast that I only wish to be able to return to the days of innocence just for a second, have all my burdens lifted and be that carefree self once again. Thus my desire to return here. But as things have changed, the pieces no longer fit. Reliving my childhood is out of the question, I can only recall what used to be while standing in the physicals of my memories.

But I am also glad that I have been fortunate enough to meet half of the people I wanted to meet. These few days of being around them only made me wish even more that I could somehow experience what went on while I was gone, but it also made me realized how much more fortunate I am for being where I am.

After weeks of promises, I found out that certain people didn't want to meet me, and I could lie and say that doesn't matter to me, but the fact is it does. I hurts me to know that even my attempt to catch a glimpse of what used to be could still be rejected, that I had waited for these days for so long just to have some closure between friends, but I shouldn't have. I walked away disappointed, angry and didn't know who to blame. I guess it isn't too bad of a sent off because the next time I return, less expectation will be brought and more time will be spend with those who matter.

Fifty percent, half fun, half sad. Now I have to decide which half of the glass I am.

i wish i was a little...

Paler? Taller?

One of the reasons that people can tell that I am not from around here beside from the fact that I am definitely fatter than all the local girls is that I seem to enjoy being in the sun more than everyone else though fact is that I don't.

To be fair, I don't hate the sun, I only hate all the ridiculous tan lines after I'm outside. I mean, come on, a band-aid tan line? Who's down for that? SO if I'm gonna get a tan, I'm gonna go all out and wear as little clothes as possible (skank alert lol). Rolling up my sleeves and everything to avoid that farmer's tan while soaking in that vitamin D, which is pretty much what I do here in Saigon. And which is why I stand out because girls here pretty much cover themselves from head to toes when they are outside.

Underneath all that gears is my cute cousin

Porcelain white skins is seen as beautiful here because mahogany or deep dark brown tans are way too common here. On top of it being a tropical country, for centuries, people have been working as farmers in fruit orchard or rice paddies spending days in and days out under the sun, so the dark tan represents a life of laboring hardship. People who don't have this color are often rich or well off people who were fortunate enough to have enough to eat without ever have to spend times in the blazing sun.

I think that this association of pale skin = life of fortune is now ingrained in these people's mentality, and now in modern time, they have the ability to achieve it so they do. Locals wear all kind of protective gears to keep themselves from getting dark. I remember my mom used to wear a long pair of elbow gloves and a wide rimmed hat when she used to go outside, but that was ten years ago since the method today are way more extreme. Beside the mandatory helmet, people also wear face mask to avoid the dust, then girls would wear gloves on their hands, then thin socks or thick stocking on their feet and a hoodie with the hood up regardless of the style of the outfit because they can all be taken off once they reach their destination. It's pretty much their travel gears. Even girls who wear short-shorts still wear long over the knee/thigh-high beige color stockings so I guess sluts here don't get cold, but they get hot hah!

Guy in the far left admiring my awesome hand-behind-back picture taking skill, girl in the upper right corner is a ninja. Check out how men aren't donning the same ensemble as women

(Women) Ninjas on the street!

In addition, the tropical heat here could get so unbearable and the increasing awareness for skin cancer could also be reasons for which why people want to cover up. However, we don't see men following the same suit, and it doesn't explain for the abundance amount of commercial and infomercial on skin whitening products as well as having skin whitening chemical in almost every beauty products on the shelves. I recall on the top of my head seeing house hold brands in America such as Dove or Olay also having whitening ingredients in their products. Good thing I brought my own body wash and face wash.

Picture courtesy of onlyok.net. This blogger has a similar/interest discussion about this whitening trend.

Funny how this whole concept is opposite in America, where people prefer to have darker tone. And of course you wouldn't find products like this back in the states, as you wouldn't find something that promotes tanning here.

Not in this land

I have been asked several times "I thought you'd be paler since you're from America" or "How are you so dark and short living in America?" and would have to explain to people that tanned skin is a popular preference in the states, and being short is genetic, there's nothing I could do. Still, in additional to pale skin, people are also actively pursuing methods to get themselves taller. You can find milk commercials emphasizes on how their products will help kids grow taller or infomercials for shoes that add height while at the same time lengthen your legs.

For this trend, I don't get it, and I can't find any of these commercial on Youtube, so I'll just let Skee Lo take over while I go outside in my shorts.