Beside volunteering, I wanted to do nothing here except basking in what used to be a part of my childhood. Just 2 months ago, the thought of being here seems preposterous. I dreamed and dreamed of meeting just a few individuals once again, be there friends again, be a local again, but now as I am about to leave, I have to admit, I was only able to do 50 percents of all that, partially because during the decade I was gone, things have changed and I could no longer relive it.
I can't say that I am not disappointed, because I always felt that I missed out on my childhood the moment I moved to the states. Lots of things have happened after had made me grown up too fast that I only wish to be able to return to the days of innocence just for a second, have all my burdens lifted and be that carefree self once again. Thus my desire to return here. But as things have changed, the pieces no longer fit. Reliving my childhood is out of the question, I can only recall what used to be while standing in the physicals of my memories.
But I am also glad that I have been fortunate enough to meet half of the people I wanted to meet. These few days of being around them only made me wish even more that I could somehow experience what went on while I was gone, but it also made me realized how much more fortunate I am for being where I am.
After weeks of promises, I found out that certain people didn't want to meet me, and I could lie and say that doesn't matter to me, but the fact is it does. I hurts me to know that even my attempt to catch a glimpse of what used to be could still be rejected, that I had waited for these days for so long just to have some closure between friends, but I shouldn't have. I walked away disappointed, angry and didn't know who to blame. I guess it isn't too bad of a sent off because the next time I return, less expectation will be brought and more time will be spend with those who matter.
Fifty percent, half fun, half sad. Now I have to decide which half of the glass I am.
No comments:
Post a Comment