It is said that when you'll have a lot of free time in the Peace Corps. Time to yourself, time to do nothing, time to think, time to read, time to create and carry out projects. Some of the time will be well spent, and some will be wasted, and some will just be loneliness.
A lot of people struggle with loneliness, which would lead to homesickness, and for some would ultimately be the reason to drop out of PC and return home. Previous and current volunteers warn us about it everywhere, in their blogs, in brochures, at panel meetings.
Upside? I feel lonely all the time, so this experience, when happens to me, won't be any different than how I am currently feeling right now.
Downside? I'm not afraid of loneliness. I'm afraid of having to admit that I feel lonely. For me, admitting to any feelings I have is such a great task, that talking about how great/difficult it is would/could actually make me look like a weak ass bitch. I guess in writing about this, I'm one step closer to 'healing'.
Even thought I have great friends and plenty are there for me, and I am in fact, not alone. I can't seem to pull myself out of this little shit hole of emotions that I've been in for pretty much this entire year. The Peace Corps loneliness doesn't scare me because being where I am right now is already so painful, anymore pain in the future doesn't faze me. I'm looking forward to Peace Corps because when I'm on the go, my mind is the most healthy, and I really want to get myself back to the stable mental state I had a few years ago.
I'm sick of feeling down so down on myself, I need to get the fuck out of here.
Monday, December 12, 2011
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
talk is cheap. 2 months to go.
My uterus is having a rave inside me, and I'm not invited. All I get is the messy after math.
Sorry for the absence since the last angry post about small penis trucks. Nothing much went on ever since. I got my yellow fever shot in last month, not only it was 175 bucks (but PC reimbursed me so yay), it also hurt like a bitch. I thought the chicken pot booster sucked but this stuff burned like hot liquid fire.
Exactly two months from today, I will be on a plane leaving. First for Philadelphia, and then Ghana. Despite my initial excitement of preparing for the trip, I've really slowed down and haven't done much as of late. It's like running a marathon, and I spent all my energy way too early in the race so now I'm worn out and just slow grazing as oppose to my other PC mates who are now just starting to get excited about preparing. Right now, I just want to hurry up and quit my job and have one last hurrah with my friends before having to think about the all the heavy burdens of life in the third world.
I've been getting emails from the the PC Ghana Google group these past couple days of people talking/sharing about their past experiences and their excitement for the next 2 years, and for some reason, I don't even want to be a part of it at all. I think that it's because I've been preparing for this for so long, that talking anymore about it would make it a broken record.
I don't want to talk. I just want to do. I just want to buy my shits, pack them, and then go. I don't want to spend so much time talking about how I hope to change the world and what I have to offer because the one thing I have learned about international volunteering is that volunteers are only as helpful/useful as the locals need them to be, and any one coming in with a savior complex are just setting themselves up for disappointment.
Sorry for the absence since the last angry post about small penis trucks. Nothing much went on ever since. I got my yellow fever shot in last month, not only it was 175 bucks (but PC reimbursed me so yay), it also hurt like a bitch. I thought the chicken pot booster sucked but this stuff burned like hot liquid fire.
Exactly two months from today, I will be on a plane leaving. First for Philadelphia, and then Ghana. Despite my initial excitement of preparing for the trip, I've really slowed down and haven't done much as of late. It's like running a marathon, and I spent all my energy way too early in the race so now I'm worn out and just slow grazing as oppose to my other PC mates who are now just starting to get excited about preparing. Right now, I just want to hurry up and quit my job and have one last hurrah with my friends before having to think about the all the heavy burdens of life in the third world.
I've been getting emails from the the PC Ghana Google group these past couple days of people talking/sharing about their past experiences and their excitement for the next 2 years, and for some reason, I don't even want to be a part of it at all. I think that it's because I've been preparing for this for so long, that talking anymore about it would make it a broken record.
I don't want to talk. I just want to do. I just want to buy my shits, pack them, and then go. I don't want to spend so much time talking about how I hope to change the world and what I have to offer because the one thing I have learned about international volunteering is that volunteers are only as helpful/useful as the locals need them to be, and any one coming in with a savior complex are just setting themselves up for disappointment.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)