loneliness.

It is said that when you'll have a lot of free time in the Peace Corps. Time to yourself, time to do nothing, time to think, time to read, time to create and carry out projects. Some of the time will be well spent, and some will be wasted, and some will just be loneliness.

A lot of people struggle with loneliness, which would lead to homesickness, and for some would ultimately be the reason to drop out of PC and return home. Previous and current volunteers warn us about it everywhere, in their blogs, in brochures, at panel meetings.

Upside? I feel lonely all the time, so this experience, when happens to me, won't be any different than how I am currently feeling right now.

Downside? I'm not afraid of loneliness. I'm afraid of having to admit that I feel lonely. For me, admitting to any feelings I have is such a great task, that talking about how great/difficult it is would/could actually make me look like a weak ass bitch. I guess in writing about this, I'm one step closer to 'healing'.

Even thought I have great friends and plenty are there for me, and I am in fact, not alone. I can't seem to pull myself out of this little shit hole of emotions that I've been in for pretty much this entire year. The Peace Corps loneliness doesn't scare me because being where I am right now is already so painful, anymore pain in the future doesn't faze me. I'm looking forward to Peace Corps because when I'm on the go, my mind is the most healthy, and I really want to get myself back to the stable mental state I had a few years ago.

I'm sick of feeling down so down on myself, I need to get the fuck out of here.