half full, half empty

Tonight is my last night here in the city. I was really looking forward to being here again for the past 11 years, and as I am preparing to leave it, mixed emotions rise.

Beside volunteering, I wanted to do nothing here except basking in what used to be a part of my childhood. Just 2 months ago, the thought of being here seems preposterous. I dreamed and dreamed of meeting just a few individuals once again, be there friends again, be a local again, but now as I am about to leave, I have to admit, I was only able to do 50 percents of all that, partially because during the decade I was gone, things have changed and I could no longer relive it.

I can't say that I am not disappointed, because I always felt that I missed out on my childhood the moment I moved to the states. Lots of things have happened after had made me grown up too fast that I only wish to be able to return to the days of innocence just for a second, have all my burdens lifted and be that carefree self once again. Thus my desire to return here. But as things have changed, the pieces no longer fit. Reliving my childhood is out of the question, I can only recall what used to be while standing in the physicals of my memories.

But I am also glad that I have been fortunate enough to meet half of the people I wanted to meet. These few days of being around them only made me wish even more that I could somehow experience what went on while I was gone, but it also made me realized how much more fortunate I am for being where I am.

After weeks of promises, I found out that certain people didn't want to meet me, and I could lie and say that doesn't matter to me, but the fact is it does. I hurts me to know that even my attempt to catch a glimpse of what used to be could still be rejected, that I had waited for these days for so long just to have some closure between friends, but I shouldn't have. I walked away disappointed, angry and didn't know who to blame. I guess it isn't too bad of a sent off because the next time I return, less expectation will be brought and more time will be spend with those who matter.

Fifty percent, half fun, half sad. Now I have to decide which half of the glass I am.

i wish i was a little...

Paler? Taller?

One of the reasons that people can tell that I am not from around here beside from the fact that I am definitely fatter than all the local girls is that I seem to enjoy being in the sun more than everyone else though fact is that I don't.

To be fair, I don't hate the sun, I only hate all the ridiculous tan lines after I'm outside. I mean, come on, a band-aid tan line? Who's down for that? SO if I'm gonna get a tan, I'm gonna go all out and wear as little clothes as possible (skank alert lol). Rolling up my sleeves and everything to avoid that farmer's tan while soaking in that vitamin D, which is pretty much what I do here in Saigon. And which is why I stand out because girls here pretty much cover themselves from head to toes when they are outside.

Underneath all that gears is my cute cousin

Porcelain white skins is seen as beautiful here because mahogany or deep dark brown tans are way too common here. On top of it being a tropical country, for centuries, people have been working as farmers in fruit orchard or rice paddies spending days in and days out under the sun, so the dark tan represents a life of laboring hardship. People who don't have this color are often rich or well off people who were fortunate enough to have enough to eat without ever have to spend times in the blazing sun.

I think that this association of pale skin = life of fortune is now ingrained in these people's mentality, and now in modern time, they have the ability to achieve it so they do. Locals wear all kind of protective gears to keep themselves from getting dark. I remember my mom used to wear a long pair of elbow gloves and a wide rimmed hat when she used to go outside, but that was ten years ago since the method today are way more extreme. Beside the mandatory helmet, people also wear face mask to avoid the dust, then girls would wear gloves on their hands, then thin socks or thick stocking on their feet and a hoodie with the hood up regardless of the style of the outfit because they can all be taken off once they reach their destination. It's pretty much their travel gears. Even girls who wear short-shorts still wear long over the knee/thigh-high beige color stockings so I guess sluts here don't get cold, but they get hot hah!

Guy in the far left admiring my awesome hand-behind-back picture taking skill, girl in the upper right corner is a ninja. Check out how men aren't donning the same ensemble as women

(Women) Ninjas on the street!

In addition, the tropical heat here could get so unbearable and the increasing awareness for skin cancer could also be reasons for which why people want to cover up. However, we don't see men following the same suit, and it doesn't explain for the abundance amount of commercial and infomercial on skin whitening products as well as having skin whitening chemical in almost every beauty products on the shelves. I recall on the top of my head seeing house hold brands in America such as Dove or Olay also having whitening ingredients in their products. Good thing I brought my own body wash and face wash.

Picture courtesy of onlyok.net. This blogger has a similar/interest discussion about this whitening trend.

Funny how this whole concept is opposite in America, where people prefer to have darker tone. And of course you wouldn't find products like this back in the states, as you wouldn't find something that promotes tanning here.

Not in this land

I have been asked several times "I thought you'd be paler since you're from America" or "How are you so dark and short living in America?" and would have to explain to people that tanned skin is a popular preference in the states, and being short is genetic, there's nothing I could do. Still, in additional to pale skin, people are also actively pursuing methods to get themselves taller. You can find milk commercials emphasizes on how their products will help kids grow taller or infomercials for shoes that add height while at the same time lengthen your legs.

For this trend, I don't get it, and I can't find any of these commercial on Youtube, so I'll just let Skee Lo take over while I go outside in my shorts.

the removal of 4 wisdom teeth is waiting for me back in the states

I totally saw that coming too.

Peace Corps info are in a few weeks ago, further dental works is needed, so that's what I will be doing once I'm back this May. That and maybe UCSD Sun God, unless the consensus says that I am too old to dedicate a whole day to getting wasted or UCSD got too lame and it's pointless to celebrate.

Can't say I'm not looking forward to it though. :)

I learned what it's like being rich today in Vietnam. Having your own driver. Owning a Benz while having Toyota is already considered baller status. Living it up in your 40s while learning about life in your 20s and working hard in your 30s is the secret. I think there's hope for little old me after all. I don't want to be rich, just enough for airplane tickets to go around.

I also learned how big the social gap between the rich and the poor can be, as is in every developing country out there. So here comes an obvious realization, even thought we bitch about it, and puts it down, and always wish we were living somewhere else, an average life in America is still sometime better than an average life somewhere else exotic. My one U.S dollar here could get me a ride, or a nice bowl of pipping hot and delicious noodle, or FIVE awesome thirst quenching cups of sugar cane juice, and any of these things are totally worth it.

Tonight, as I sat waiting for my friend at 9pm at night, a middle aged lady carrying two baskets of sweet toasted rice paper walking by, saw and asked me if I would by some from her. Usually I would say no, because I don't like sweet stuff, and because I wasn't in the mood for snacks (I was craving some late night noodles instead) but something about the way she asked me that made me really believed her when she said that business has been tough, and it would have been a favor if I were to buy some from her.

Now, I'm not a sucker for mushy things... not all the time anyway, and most of the time, I can tell if people are lying, because I am a big bullshitter myself. Takes one to know one, y'know, but I said alright, I'll take some. She sold me 3 for 10,000 VND, which is the equivalent of about fifty cents in U.S dollars.

If I dig around the bottom of my book bag, I probably would find enough coins to add up to 50 cents, so for me, this purchase wasn't that big of a deal, at all, but for this woman, she probably could use this 10,000 VND for something useful, like food.

Anyway, after almost an entire day of hanging around a successful relative, that little exchange got me a little sentimental so I thought I'd talk about it. I didn't think to take a picture of the food before I ate it, so both these pics are found online and do not belong to me haha.

How one seller manages two baskets otherwise known as gánh hàng rong

Toasted rice paper or bánh tráng nướng (this is the version with sesame seeds, the one I bought have no sesame and are much sweeter)

*Unfortunately I did not take these pictures. I found them on Google.

a few drinks in

The downside of drinking in a foreign country is that when everyone else is done, you have no other friends to call to keep the party going.

Hi everyone,

I went drinking with my cousin again today. Yes, party with the dirty old men par deux. But of course, they're all old and married so they start at 6pm and call it a night at 9pm. Yes, 9pm, I barely got started and got sent home so now I'm buzzed and sad because I don't have any other drinking buddy.

I guess I could always go to the same restaurant and get a pretty young thing to share a few with me while I check out her tits/ass.

It's freaking 10 pm here and everyone I know is heading to bed. Granted that they're all old and whatever, but fuck. I miss my young ragers partiers friends.

holiday drinking with some dirty old men

... but first, a vocab/language lesson:

nhậu : roughly translated as "a drinking party" with some food and lots of beer and alchy.

anh: a pronoun used for a male who is either a) older than the speaker b) the speaker's boyfriend c) the speaker when talking to someone younger than him or to his girlfriend d) the speaker's older brother -- similar to korean's "oppa"

em: a pronoun used for a female who is either a) younger than the speaker b) the speaker's girlfriend c) the speaker when talking to someone older then her or to her boyfriend d) the speaker's younger sister

chú: a pronoun used for an adult male who is either a) someone's uncle b) someone who is older than the speaker by at least a generation -- similar to korean's "ajusshi"

cháu: a pronoun used for a much younger speaker, with status as the speaker's niece/nephew/grand child

People use these pronouns and suffixes depending on their relationship with the other person so they can be changed from formal to informal pending on the status of the relationship.

This weekend is apparently a long weekend, lots of people get Monday and Tuesday off, so I have had the opportunity to hang out with a lot of friends and family members.

Earlier this week my bachelor uncle took me to a cafe where we enjoyed expensive drinks and nice music while being tended by young waiter and waitresses. As a general rule to all food service establishment, all waitresses are to call all male customers anh regardless of their age. So all the cute and young waitresses call my uncle anh while they should really have called him chú. It was half funny and half awkward because later, when my uncle asked, we found out that the all waitresses are younger than me by at least 2 years, so if anything, he could be their uncle too!

Tonight, I met up with one of my cousins. He is one of the older cousins I have, around early 40's. He was in the middle of a nhậu fest with his friends when I called so he picked me up and had me join him. I call my cousin anh because he is older than me, and his friend share the same status as anh. If we all count our ages and had meet under different circumstances, I would call those guys chú as they are much older than me and could probably have children who are my age or older. They were way happy that someone my age is calling them anh and isn't a waitress so beside hitting on the waitress, they also tried to flirt with me. Slightly gross I might say.

Local people and my family included have been very liberal about drinking. Vietnam doesn't have a drinking age, so kids aren't sneakingly chasing the bottle and people drink when they want so there isn't much terrible scenarios of alcohol binging and poisoning. And mostly, people drink beer, or rice wine, not hard liquor. Most people, especially men, like to nhậu whenever they can, just like in college when we find an excuse to drink whenever we can regardless of the time. So this weekend gives everyone the perfect excuse to drink, it's a holiday, we have nothing to do, why not party it up!

I learned tonight that the rule of the nhậu table is that, if one person picks up the glass to drink, everyone clinks their glasses and everyone drinks. I wasn't aware of this rule and kept sipping, so every time I picked up the glass, everyone picked theirs up until someone called me out. Who would have thought that I get to learn something new today?

Women don't do much drinking here, especially the older generation, and even when they do, they drink mostly beer, not rice wine or liquor so I felt a bit uneasy about drinking, but it wasn't that big of a deal as people don't seem to care much. My uncles and family friends seems happy because they've found someone else who could party with them.

My cousin was pretty buzzed and decided to call my dad at 5:00 am California time.

"Hi uncle, I'm with your daughter. How're you doing?"

"Wtf why are you waking me up??"

One of my cousin's friend took over the phone and asked my dad,

"Hi uncle, there are two of us here beside your nephew, which of us do you pick (for your daughter)?"

"Your mama you bitch" Then he hung up.

I don't like my dad, but he could be so funny sometime, and apparently everyone who knows him loves hanging around him because he apparently has a deadpan sense of humor. I am very much enjoying getting to know more about my family through other people's eyes. Seeing them outside the mom and dad light is helping me understand my parents more and potentially *gasp* care for (or love) them more.

The big weekend is the memorial for the country's founder, it's going according to the Lunar Calendar and is this Tuesday. I didn't even know about this holiday because it didn't exist ten years ago! and only learned about it from the banner hung around the city.

can't help you if you can't help yourself

I have been in Saigon for about 2 weeks now, and beside the purpose of seeing my old friends from elementary school and checking out my old stomping yard, I had intended to spent the most of my time here volunteering with some NGO's that I have found. I guess it's the after effect of being an Alternative Breaker, that I no longer feels that it's okay to enter a country and blatantly be a tourists without noticing the less glamorous sides of life in a developing country.

So anyway, I have mentioned the volunteer group(s) before, Helping Hand Saigon and Smile Group. These are the two groups that I have been sort of involving with along with the bi-weekly English Club set up by Helping Hand Saigon, and they have been great, the people and the involvement, but the work I have been doing have been way less than satisfying. In fact, if anything, I don't think I have been doing anything at all productive during my two weeks here, and it's bumming me out. I guess you could say that my timing is bad, that I arrived during the two weeks after HHS has done some big projects and now I am about to leave during the time they are about to start on their next big one(s). The one single project I was about to plan for this weekend got shut down from the start because the orphans and orphanages I was going to be working with aren't going to be available, and when they are, I won't be here anymore. So I spent most of my "volunteer" time space contemplating on what I should be doing. I did get to spend a few hours with the Smile group, and the children are way chill and I was going to come back the next day to hang with them at the zoo but I woke up with a fever instead. Thus, I've been sick for the most part of this week so beside dying from this heat, I am dying from a crappy throat.

I had really looking forward to this part of my Vietnam trip. I have always had a good time volunteering as a part of AB and wanted to look for the same experience on my own minus the massive program fee, but now I sort of feel that the program fee is worth it. Don't quote me on it though.

Another hard thing along with this is that it has been a bit difficult to reach people who should be available for volunteer inquiries. HHS has been great at corresponding, but Smile Group was/is harder to reach and the number I have for them didn't work and no one is responding to my email. Blargh. I really want to do more work with this group because it is a similar group to the CASAA orphanage in Salvador de Bahia that I worked with this past June. I think I would feel a lot of request not being more involved with this group, but as of right now, I don't know how else I could work more with them.

my blog shows up under search key word "vietnamse dicks"

... or that's what my stat monitor is telling me.

Nice.

I had a semi-venturing day in District 1 yesterday, the city's center and the nest of foreigners, backpackers and expats. I had to head up there for a meeting with my new friend C to discuss what I will be doing with Helping Hand Saigon for the weekend. I had been wanting to head up to Distric 1 to check out the tourist scenery since I've been chilling on the local side all this time. So this was the perfect excuse to test the water since I am still feeling uneasy about heading out around town on my own.

I had my aunty dropped me off at the cafe where C and I are meeting. (when was the last time I needed a relative to drop me off anywhere haha?) I arrived 20-30 minutes before the meeting time so I took the chance to walk up and down the street the coffee shop is at. It's a completely different feel than the other areas in the city. I'm not sure how to describe it, but for some reason, I felt like I blend in/don't matter there. I don't feel people's eyes on me since they are either used to the sight of tourists or are more distracted by people looking more touristy than me.

Anyway, I head into the coffee shop after walking up and down the street like an idiot holding on to my helmet (that's a story for a different day) and went in for a drink to wait for my friend. This began my discovery of how prices in D.1 is so much more expensive than prices in all the other areas around due to the heavy tourists flow. Such is an iced tea costing 15,000 Dong while you can get the same thing for about 1,000 Dong or less somewhere else. One dollar is about 20,500 Dong right now. The cafe's name is Sozo and is apparently owned by a French of Germany lady.

Sozo cafe's upstair view

C and I talked about HHS for a bit and we talked about hanging out for the rest of the night but wanted to wait until the sun is down so it's cooler to be outside. To kill time C asked me to teach her Vietnamese. She is the Belgium friend I made two days ago. I taught her a few things while the cafe is slowly filled with university students. Apparently, Thursday and Friday nights are for English clubs so we left after it started and met up with some friends from our own English Club and went to another cafe.

I took the opportunity here to snap some more pictures while I'm out and some more when we walked around looking for food. I hung out with more locals who aren't relatives or old friends and it was quite an experience. One told me that he doesn't feel as nervous speaking English to me as he does when he speaks to a foreigner. I guess I have a calming effect on people hahaha. Nah, it was probably because the local mentality here still hold foreigners quite a bit apart from themselves. They either love foreigners for their money, hate foreigners for the customs or just completely don't/don't want to understand that non-Asian people are people too. Anyway, here are some tourist pics:

Not sure what these two buildings are for but they're prominant in District 1

Entering District 1 and the iconic Ben Thanh Market that requires ridiculous bargaining skills

I took this pic by accident, but I think less people should call me fat especially if there are chubby people around here too. Glass houses man, better watch out


Streets bustling with tourists, ridiculous electrical wires and cars without lanes