WARNING: This post is kind of a downer. And contains lots of feelings (mine) so if you don't care for some sappy shit, don't read it. You have been warned.
I always knew that my parents aren't too thrilled about me going to the Peace Corps. Nor were they thrilled when I didn't go to grad school right away. Or that I didn't go to med school/want to me a doctor.
I have spent hours explaining to my family why I want to go to the Peace Corps and what I hope to gain from it. Hours of throat drying from talking, mind racing to find the right words in Vietnamese (because the language doesn't come to me naturally anymore) hoping to have them somewhat understand the significant of this decision. They would appease me by nodding their heads and say okay, but it's like a "50 first dates" amnesia, they would forget, and turn to me some time later and ask "why Africa? there's nothing there. why are you quitting school?"
That seriously makes my head explode. I'm not "quitting school". I fucking finished it. I'm taking a break. FUCK... but forget it, I won't go into the details of it. It's alright, my shields are up, I will try not to be too hurt by the things they say. People don't always understand progress during its process until they see the result. So I'm hoping that in the end, they will see me with the outcomes and everything clicks.
That doesn't mean that I'm not sad about it. People who aren't related to me are excited for me. I'm excited for me. 4 months left and I'm rushing to plan/buy things to prepare for the adventure. The common sense thing to do is to save money and stay with your family, but I'm moving out. "Why?" they ask. "Why?" other people ask.
Because I can not stand being surrounded by people who constantly question everything I do, and already automatically assumed that I'm doing the wrong thing because a. I'm not doing the same thing everyone else is doing, and b. I'm not doing what they want to do. I don't want to doubt myself, but the past four months, I felt my spirit waiver as I began to question my life, and it was a sign that I needed to go.
I'm young. I know that. I don't know everything. I know that too. But that's why I want to go out there and learn things and do things before I settle down into the life of a drone. I just want to live for me for a few more years before giving it all up and live for my parents. I hate that I have to constantly make decisions, for myself or for the people I care about. And the choices could not be any more different.
My family thinks I've wasted this year and a half. And that I'm wasting my youth with the next two years. And that while other people are making money I'm (they're) are still going to be poor. They don't understand why I want to be independent. They don't get why I want to go away. It's a lot of thumb downs for me in their world.
I don't know what else to feel beside just sadness and alone. They will never understand that everything I do is for ultimately for them in the end. That I am trying to work out a plan for my life, and these are just the few initial steps. That I am not someone who would be happy with a mediocre life, and my aim is much higher than this. Even thought they are the people who have, for a lack of a better world, aspired me to work so hard so I can take care of them and pay them back for taking care of me.
In short, they just don't fucking get it, and it's fucking suck. My feelings are hurt, and they don't even know it. No matter what I do, I will always disappoint, and there's nothing I can do about that.
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